The Critical Critter in the Brain House

Kids need ease and fun when it comes to difficult tasks like challenging negative self-talk.

Have you ever heard your child say something like, “I’m not good at this,” “I’m so stupid,” “It’s all my fault,” or “I shouldn’t have even tried?” Perhaps some kids don’t say these things out loud, but maybe they refrain from doing certain activities or speaking up in school because they’ve already convinced themselves they’re not good enough. Over time, these behaviours can grow into our inner critic.

I like to refer to the inner critic as “The Critical Critter” to take some of the weight off. Exploring self-critical thoughts can often feel like heavy, exhausting work, so using a playful approach can help children bring a certain amount of lightness to balance out the heavy work of noticing unhelpful habits and challenging or approaching them differently.

The character of the inner critic as a “Critter” helps children understand when they are too hard on themselves and also the crucial lesson that thoughts are not facts. Just because we think we’re rubbish at something doesn’t make it true.

“It may start with a quiet voice, occasionally speaking up with critical self-talk. But, the more we listen to its words, the bigger it grows.”

So, how do you start a conversation with your children about the self-defeating, self-critical thoughts we all have running on repeat in the back of our minds?

Here is how I help children to understand their critical critters.

I talk about how the brain is like a house, with an upstairs and a downstairs. This is a really simple way to help kids think about what’s happening inside their heads.

Having introduced the idea of the brain house, I tell children that we will add a rather scary, hairy, and un-fairy-like creature. You know your child, so make sure this makes sense to them. Some children may need lots of reassurance that this is just pretend—“there aren’t really characters living in our brain,” for example —while others may love the opportunity to run wild with imagination.

The Critical Critter (Inner Critic) in the Brain House

The Critical Critter lives in the upstairs brain house with the thinkers, problem solvers, planners, emotion regulators, creatives, and flexible and empathic types in the neocortex.

To begin with, we may have yet to notice that the Critter has moved in. It may start with a quiet voice, occasionally speaking up with critical self-talk. But, the more we listen to its words, the bigger it grows. The Critical Critter is fed a diet of negative self-talk and unkind, unsupportive words from others. Each time we chew on harsh and unjustified criticism, it’s like giving the critter another burger to munch on.

Being under attack from the Critter is challenging and, for some kids, can feel relentless.

One day, we discover the critter has unpacked all its luggage and grown large enough to throw its weight around. The critter has become a big bully, squashing hopes of self-compassion or kindness from the upstairs “thinking” characters. And, not content with that, it is also lurking downstairs in our feeling brain (the limbic system), telling us that we’re right to panic and flip our lid because everything will go wrong. And when it does, insists the Critter, we will be to blame because we’re useless.

Notice the Critical Critter in Action

Think of some examples to share with your child about what else the Critical Critter does.

Choose examples that aren’t too stressful. If you make your kids feel too anxious, they may feed their Critter right then and there!

4 Ways Kids Can Shrink the Critical Critter

1) Ask your child to name their critter: This may sound a bit silly, but it gives your child the space to separate the words and actions of the critter from their own and notice when the inner critic is at work. This gives them a better chance of taming harsh words (and avoiding catastrophising thoughts) that eventually build into habits of rumination. It doesn’t matter what they call the Critter, just as long as it makes sense to them.

2) Take the BFF test: You might notice the Critter creeping around your child on tough days. They start being really hard on themselves. “It’s all my fault we lost the game.” When you spot this, ask them: “Would you speak like this to your best friend?” If the answer is “no,” it’s time to squash that negative self-talk and encourage them to be their own BFF (Best Friend Forever). Ask them to think about what they would say to a friend in a similar position and how they would say it. Regularly practising this exercise will help them take responsibility for their actions while building self-compassion.

3) Answer back: You may spend a lot of time encouraging your child not to answer back, but when it comes to the Critter, they need to boss them back. When you notice the Critter sneakily chanting, “This’ll never work; you’ve always been useless at this,” encourage them to answer back. Use these sentences, and their Critter will eat broccoli for a week!

“That’s enough out of you, Critter – I’m doing my best.”

“I can’t hear you, Critter; I’m too busy being amazing over here.”

“Maybe it didn’t work this time, Critter, but I’m giving it another go.”

4) Create a positive moments practice: Being under attack from the Critter is challenging and, for some kids, can feel relentless. It can make kids question themselves and their abilities. To cope with this relentless criticism, kids must find things they like about themselves. Each day, help your child find time to notice the things that went well because of them, no matter how small they are. Ask them what went well today and help them to find the positive moments in their day. Encouraging a regular practice of gratitude is a great way to build resilience and self-compassion and keep the Critter quiet!

Sending you all love and light.
Go gently on yourselves.
Coach Lindsay x

ColneLife March/April 24