A Colner’s Life Down Under

I’ve embraced the Australian footy season madness, but it’s not quite the same as our British football! British football consists of a sleek round ball that glides effortlessly across the pitch like ice.

While Australian footy decided to throw the convention out of the window and chose to chase an egg on steroids to chase around the pitch. Me and my travelling buddy, Niamh Franks, have become loyal supporters of the Richmond Tigers! Fans jump up and down like kangaroos on caffeine; it’s an emotional rollercoaster that’s as unpredictable as the Melbourne weather. Aussie footy is all about unleashing their inner hulks, being a hybrid of football, rugby and a friendly bar brawl. The only thing in common to us Brits is the scarlet faces from cheering and voices hoarse from yelling, hot dogs being stuffed into gobs, and a beer in the other hand; it’s a shared experience!

I’ve also spent a lot of time hiking in Victoria. The picturesque Organ Pipes National Park sits just a stone’s throw away from Melbourne. This natural wonder resembles a colossal organ with towering columns of basalt rock. As you approach, you might half expect to hear the enchanting melodies of Bach or Mozart resonating through the air, but this is not the case. During my treks, I’ve encountered many snakes, each time screaming with fear and running. My hiking friend, Brodie, told me I had to stomp hard across the ground when I walked through the forests because the vibrations scared away the snakes.

Our first encounter with the real estate market here was a nightmare. Many people told us there was a rental crisis, and we didn’t believe it until we began digging for a home for ourselves. In Melbourne, even Harry-Potter’s-broom-closet-sized room seems to require a large fortune and your left kidney. And don’t even get me started on groceries; in England, you can fill up your trolley without having to break the bank. But each trip to the supermarket here makes you contemplate eating air for sustenance!

IN MELBOURNE, EVEN A HARRY-POTTER’S-BROOM-CLOSET-SIZED ROOM REQUIRES A LARGE FORTUNE AND YOUR LEFT KIDNEY

It’s nearly four times the price of a loaf of bread! We’ve been living off eggs and pasta – I feel like I’m back living my uni days again.

On my journalism break, I’m currently working in concierge, and I get to wear a fancy tailored suit, which is completely out of the norm for me!

Working in big buildings across the central business district is not what I envisioned in my year in Australia, but working among people worldwide is great. I’ve made friends from Brazil, Colombia and India! As a concierge, we are the magicians of a corporate building lobby. Need a last-minute dinner reservation? Or a life-size replica of the Sydney Opera House made from cheese? We try to pull the strings like master puppeteers while maintaining a smile that masks our internal chaos.

As a Brit, I was accustomed to unpredictable drizzles and the cold. But nothing can prepare you for the four-seasons-in-one-day climate. One minute, you’re walking in glorious heat; the next, you’re frantically running for shelter from the rain. Dressing appropriately for all weather has become an art form here! I will never leave the house without an umbrella, coat, sunglasses and sunscreen. I also thought I had a firm grasp of English until I arrived here. Aussies have a way with words that are uniquely their own. Ordering breakfast at a cafe suddenly becomes a linguistic adventure as you try to decipher the menu’s Vegemite-laden offerings or twelve types of coffee. Back in England, our tea is a sacred ritual. We’d be happy sipping our Yorkshire tea in a mug, but don’t think about asking for a proper cuppa with milk and sugar here! Trying to understand the coffee menu is like an ancient hieroglyphic code. But fear not, for when in doubt, nod and say, “I’ll have what they’re having!”

Wakey, wakey Melbourne! Mother Nature decided to give us a not-so-gentle nudge one late night in May with an earthquake that shook us out of our slumber. I have never experienced an earthquake before. The windows, doors, and walls began shaking, and we jumped out of bed. Niamh said she thought it was the start of World War Three, but after a quick glance on Twitter, we realised it was an earthquake. Pyjama-clad folk stumbled to their windows as we watched everyone’s homes light up. I rang my mum and dad, scared, and fell asleep once the adrenaline had gone! I’ve spent much time watching local Australian bands play at pubs and bars, where we can pick a drink size of a pot, schooner or pint! Most places here shut a lot earlier than our English bars, proving they can’t party as hard as us! Or maybe they are just wiser and more sensible!

Another strange thing I’ve found down here is that Australians like to celebrate festivities in the midst of winter, but not in December. It makes sense, the weather is cold, we’re all wrapped up, but it’s June! We’re embracing the Christmas spirit at a time when the rest of the world is frolicking in the hot sun. Picture this, snowflake decorations are replaced with koala baubles, and Santa Claus trades his red sleigh for a surfboard. We’re spinning round ice rinks with mulled wine in what was once our summertime!

One thing I’ve really been reminiscing about during my time over here is a good old cheese and onion pie, I mentioned in the last article that they are nowhere to be seen?! Flaky pastry and caramelised onions with a strong cheese is hard to find down under.

They’ve got every pie option, from a cheeseburger pie to a chicken curry pie but no traditional ones! Me and Niamh had a long search for the elusive pie, and finally, we found the place, the Charles Dickens Tavern! A British pub sat right in the heart of Melbourne.

The hunt was over, and we were transported back to the comforting flavours of our homeland. It just wasn’t as tasty as the ones at home!

I’m still yet to see a kangaroo – can you believe it? Nearly six months in Australia, and I still haven’t seen one. Once we’ve saved up some more travelling money in the city, it’ll be time for us to throw on our backpacks and get into the outbacks!

ColneLife Autumn 23